A Reflection On The Past Decade

A decade ago, I had turned thirty. I had completed my training. I had entered the workforce. Adulthood had begun.

I had hopes. I had aspirations. Instead I met failure. I met disappointment. In reflecting on the past decade today and crafting a vision for the next I intend to be kinder to myself. I ought not worry about the next ten years. I ought instead to focus on today and perhaps the next few days only. I should learn to accept failure as part of living.

Success is going from failure to failure without giving up.

Winston Churchill

I had spent my twenties far from family, broke with a mortgage-sized debt of student loans on my back, yet hopeful for the promise of improved life after medical training.

I then spent my thirties realising this was all horse shit. But there was no turning back. It would not get better.

In hindsight I was in a state of existential worry. I’m not quite sure I’ve exited either. Worry about my career, now just a job. Worry about having enough money to take care of myself. Worry about meeting the right man in time to start a family with. Sigh, whoever said medicine is a jealous lover was not lying.

I read through a few of my blog posts these days and realise I was depressed. Well, I guess I knew I was depressed during those many years because it was so much harder to motivate myself to do things. Life was dragging.

I turned 40 this past year. While many of my contemporaries are lauding their new found peace, settling into a routine of mid-career life, spousal relationships, and parenthood, I have to remind myself not to worry about where everybody else is in their life.

Some people are in our lives as blessings. And others? Well, they just pass through to teach us important life lessons. And I apparently need many lessons.

Despite these milestone failures, I’m in a good place today. I’m at peace. On a routine basis sanity prevails over the stresses of the job. I’m grateful for the people who I do have in my life. I have learnt to let those who misunderstand me and the demands of my job exit my life.

This is my life. I own it. It’s my prerogative to live it in a manner that works for me. Waiting for other people to take care of me will only kill me. It is my prerogative to set then enforce boundaries to show others how to take care of me. We live now in a time dominated by urgency and immediate response. As a woman who is expected to be docile and agreeable I admit that enforcing my boundaries feels very uncomfortable. But in these last few months of learning to turn off smart-phone notifications, enable Do Not Disturb, and to say no more, often with a clear mind, I am at such peace. I can’t believe I didn’t do this sooner.

• First, I am not my job
• Write more
• Exercise daily
• Eat less sugar
• Drink more water
• Sleep more
• Forgive Forget more
• Respond not to negativity
• Be kind to self and others
• Keep in touch with friends and family

Let’s do this 2020!